Malcolms last stand
by Exploded Pen
Summary: Aliens spike Malcolms drink and basically he loses all his marbles read it, it'll make more sense


**000000000Disclaimer=me no own 0000000000 OK something short because I have writers block for everything else! In my head its funny but kinda stupid too 00000000000**  
  
Malcolm buried his face in his hands.  
  
He'd never felt so embarrassed in his life. He knew that it was just an affect of a drug the Hengarens had slipped him but still, losing all his self control and being rendered a babbling idiot had scared him. He had no idea how he'd ever show his face in public again.  
  
And to think life had been so simple that morning...................  
  
**00000 Earlier that Day 00000  
**  
Malcolm watched the Hengarens with suspicion as they climbed out the shuttlepod. As per usual Archer strode forward to greet them with the others hot on his heels without bothering to do a quick check for danger. He automatically followed letting out a barely audible sigh. It was going to be one of those days-he could feel it.  
  
He nodded to the Hengarens as his name was mentioned but the second Archer mentioned he was the armoury officer the Hengarens shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"You can't bring weapons here Captain," said the leader worriedly. "Our laws forbid it."  
  
"I apologise," said Archer nodding to Malcolm.  
  
He gave Archer a pleading look he fingers wrapped tightly around his phaser.  
  
"Put it back in the shuttlepod Lieutenant," Archer ordered.  
  
Giving the Hengarens dark looks and muttering something about incompetent Captains he trudged back to the shuttlepod and carefully hid the phaser inside.  
  
"Don't worry, they seem friendly," Hoshi whispered as he came back.  
  
Malcolm grunted in response.  
  
"Shall we make our way to the Great Hall?" the leader of the Hengarens D'tik asked politely. "Get to know each other better?"  
  
"I think that's a great idea," said Archer beaming.  
  
The group walked through a field, the Hengarens were obviously a farming society judging from the amount of animal excretion on the path. They walked through it quite unaffected by it whilst the away team were left trying to navigate the smelly minefield.  
  
A red and orange cow or what looked like a cow walked in front of them. The Hengarens waited patiently for it to pass before continuing on into a large important looking building.  
  
The away team were directed into a meeting hall that contained a long table and various chairs. They were told to be seated and then D'tik smiled suddenly showing an array of green teeth. A servant brought in a tray of drinks, handing one to each person.  
  
"Drink," D'tik encouraged.  
  
Malcolm eyed the drink apprehensively. He didn't want to drink it, he knew that it'd be the perfect way to poison them all plus the fact it was a bright pink liquid. However upon seeing the others down theirs and D'tik motioning for him to drink, he grabbed and took a swig.  
  
It was vile and took all his self control to keep it in his mouth. It burned the back of his throat as he swallowed making him cough slightly.  
  
"Excellent. Now, I feel the need to inform you of some of our laws," D'tik said seriously. "The most important being that no outsider may bring any form of weapon to our planet. Anyone who does will be severely punished."  
  
At this point he shot Malcolm a murderous glance.  
  
Over the next hour he droned on and on about the different rules mainly including rules for outsiders occasionally shooting Malcolm a stern look. As for Malcolm he was feeling rather light headed and was long past caring about D'tik's obvious dislike of him.  
  
"Have you understood all of that?" D'tik asked.  
  
Archer, Hoshi and Trip all nodded dully. Forcing a smile onto his face Archer leant forward ever so slightly clearly wanting to get down to business.  
  
"Excellent. Now you all understand why Lieutenant Reed must be arrested," said D'tik calmly motioning for guards to come forward.  
  
"WHAT?!?" Trip exclaimed in horror. "What for?"  
  
"D'tik with all due respect, Lieutenant Reed has done nothing wrong," Archer added his face clouding over.  
  
"You have heard our laws, surely you must realise by now that he has broken at least three," said D'tik frowning.  
  
Malcolm had stumbled from his chair and was backing away as the guards approached. He briefly wondered if he should fight his way out but then as the room swayed he decided against it noting as well that there were at least twenty guards in the room.  
  
"You cannot arrest him!" Archer fumed.  
  
"He brought weapons to our planet! He refused to relinquish said weapon till you ordered him too!" D'tik shot back.  
  
Malcolm dodged out the way of the guard's hands and then without warning he took off.  
  
"AFTER HIM!" D'tik yelled.  
  
"D'tik be reasonable........."Archer began.  
  
"Silence! Or do you want to be arrested as well?" D'tik snapped.  
  
Archer glanced at the other two and they shot off after the guards.  
  
Malcolm raced through the field but with his sense of direction on its last legs he somehow ended up in a corner that was heaped with manure and no obvious way out. On impulse just as the others ran into the field and the guards edged nearer he raced up the manure pile.  
  
In a most uncharacteristic act and not something he would do would he were in charge of all his faculties, he grabbed fistfuls of the manure and began throwing it at the guards hitting them square in the foreheads making them howl in pain as they tried to clear the smelly gunk from their eyes.  
  
**"EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** Malcolm bellowed, stumbling slightly and tumbling down the pile.  
  
"Run you fool!" Trip yelled seeing the guards start after him again.  
  
They all made a mad dash for the shuttlepod; Archer dived in and started the engine. Then as Malcolm's final marble rolled away he suddenly ripped his uniform off and moonied a bunch of very surprised Hengarens.  
  
"How d'ya like them apples!" He yelled as Trip forcibly pulled him inside and closed the door quickly just as the enraged Hengarens recovered from the initial shock and charged the shuttlepod.  
  
**0000000000000000  
**  
That was the last thing he remembered before blacking out. Turns out the Hengarens had spiked his drink and he'd reacted badly to it.  
  
His theory was that the powers that be simply despised him. Still, at least he had something to blame it on. Usually when he encountered a new species he just stood looking menacing in the background until he was needed. Actually telling them to "Eat shit and die!" before slinging manure in their faces and then moonying them was definitely a new experience for him. One that he prayed there wouldn't be a repeat of.  
  
The only thing that made him smile was the thought of Archer trying to explain to Starfleet what had happened.  
  
But then as the headache returned and the general feeling of 'I'm screwed' took over he sighed and buried his face in his hands. Oh tomorrow was going to be a long day.  
  
**00000000Told ya! Just summats stupid but review anyway please! 000000000**


End file.
